Just the Facts

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I'm a Chronologically-challenged Optimistic Procrastinator with some extra chunk, indescribable hair and blue-greener eyes re-entering into the interesting worlds of College and Caffeine and Self-induced mania. I day dream about Zombies cause sometimes an Apocalypse is less scary than Real Life. I'm a hustler baby and I'm making it all up and I alternately kiss ass and rub it to make my living. BUT Life is still good cause my mom thinks I'm special and people like me; they really like me!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

My efforts to avoid the Walking Death with a Fat Ass.

 In May of 2012, I weighed 217lbs. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. In. My. Life. I took Summer Semester off academically at the college and just did exercise classes. I lost a whole 5 lbs. from May to July because my eating was out of control.

On July 12th to the 15th, I went to San Diego Comic Con. I lost 2 whole lbs. just walking around for 5 days straight, but everything was excruciatingly painful. It was hard to sit, or stand or walk or live. Something had to give.

On July 21st, at 210 lbs. I started a 14 day modified juice fast. Initially I got the momster on board, though she fell off the wagon. It was Very Interesting. Sometimes, I gulped the juice down because it was like Mana from Heaven. Other times I had to quaff it like a shot, because it was the nastiest tasting swamp muck from the Devil's Ass EVAR. 

My clients loaned me their juicer, the Omega 8003. It was Sweet.

I hit 194 on August 4th; that's a 23 pound weight loss for those of you that care about that sort of thing. That was just so awesome my head exploded. I had tried and tried to lose weight. It seemed like I was doomed to ruin myself. Thank you Deity, thank you Universe, for sending me some relief from my own craziness.

Basically after the juice fast was done, I switched over to EXTREME VEGETARIANISM! No animal products at all - NO, do not say the "v" term (for those of you that are aware of such a term). I hate labels. I also eliminated sugar, gluten and caffeine from my diet. Also, not eating meat products means separating myself even further from the Shambling Hordes. Think on it, you know I did.

I had to reestablish a relationship with vegetables. I thought I didn't like them. I felt salads were a tool of the Skinny Man to oppress me when I went out to eat at restaurants. I felt a lot of resentment and anger at veggies and it wasn't their fault. Now I eat Faux-sagna, and Curried Cauliflower and Chai Spice Pancakes and I love it. LOVE IT. If you want the recipes, I'll post them, but someone's gotta ask.

It is nice. I felt energetic and happy! These feelings are buoyed by consistent exercise – Yoga and Body Conditioning through the college twice a week combined with sporadic gym use and long walks.

At this point I have dropped to 186. This weight has fluctuated lately because I am full of crazy and am back to trying to sabotage myself when I approach success. I can’t let this happen.

Why? Zombies! Of course. It always leads back to them and my complete aversion to becoming one. Some of you may think this ridiculous, but then riddle me this. How is a person who wanders through their life just existing, going back and forth to work, watching t.v. and living in a quiet desperation any different from the Walking Dead? They don’t push themselves or explore their world. They wait for everything to come to them exerting the minimum of effort whether it’s ideas, entertainment or sustenance. I would never want to be this way.

The Bloggess says you should be Furiously Happy in your life. I agree. I’m just gonna add Furiously, Happily Non-Undead. Or something like that. It’s a work in progress. Shut Up.

Said All I Need to Say for Today.

Rambo, a ninja-pirate assassin


This comic is from www.smbc-comics.com/. Go check them out!

I've really been thinking about this ever since I read it. So, I have supposedly lived three of my lives, with the fourth on its way in 3 years. At first, I was like...hey, Life-Waster sitting here. Then, I looked deeper. 

I've been a massage therapist, a corporate drone and now an entrepreneur and college student. What will I be next? I guess I haven't wasted as much time as I had originally felt that I had. Hm.

What do you think? What have you done with your lives? I plan to be Rambo, a ninja-pirate assassin in my next life. Then, maybe a unicorn. I like the idea of stabbing people while I run them down like dogs whilst covered in sparkly glitter.

The End.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It felt like I was going to become the Living Dead!


About...13 minutes ago, I thought I was having a heart attack. My stomach started hurting and then it traveled into my back and it was the most excruciating thing ever. Tried taking a shower and threw up. I was totally panicking. Now I'm fine after laying on tennis balls and putting a heating pad on my chest. Although the ache is coming back into my shoulders as I type this, so...I should probably go to bed.

And an update: For everyone who was concerned about my crazy abdominal issues the other night. There has been no repeat of the symptoms, but since you all have been so adamant, when my check comes in I'll go to the clinic. Although I did talk to an MD friend and he seconded the acid-reflux diagnosis. If that is what that feels like - HOLY CRAP. My empathy for A.R. sufferers is now much higher.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Mmm. Dead Bodies.


Also, it's important to note that in any horror film or action film for that matter, 
the joggers/runners are much less likely to BECOME the dead body. 
Just Sayin'. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Zombie Queen is Busy, Damnit!


Good Morning Sweet Readers,

Sorry about the slow updates. I'm obviously not the best nor most prolific blogger that ever lived. I knew that this was gonna be bulky and time consuming to write so I kept thinking I'd do it when I had more time. I woke up at six thirty-ish to write this. (And then didn't end up posting it until months later, but there you are! I actually posted this in October of 2012, but it happened in July of 2012.) 

As for what's happening - I think I'm transitioning. Lots of things that have been okay are now not acceptable. This has put bumps in my road. 

Finances:
These are okay. Business has been steady. Though I would like to get ahead, I haven't yet and I'm pretty sure that this is my own doing. Frivolous spending because it's finally okay for me to buy the little things that I had to bypass previously. So...not sure how to overcome my own sabotage in this area, but at least bills are paid.

Health:
I hurt a lot. It's almost certainly from my massive weight gain. I've gained 45lbs since I've started back to school. (Not in a semester, but the whole period). It's kinda destroying my body. Feet, back, shoulders, hips ache. It's hard to sit for prolonged periods. I wake up in the night from discomfort and with my arms and sometimes my thighs numb. Conversely, I have started going to a yoga class and a body conditioning class on Tuesday and Thursday through the college. But my eating is still out of control and this counteracts any good those classes may do. 

Education:
I am at a still point in my education. In the fall, I will apply to SDSU. Not sure how to go about that but I will be making an appointment with a counselor soon to figure it out. I could have graduated from Mira Costa last Spring with a degree in Health Science but I need 2 other classes that have nothing to do with my degree but that are necessary to enter SDSU's bachelor program. Silliness and hoops. In the meantime, I am taking other classes to finish up my Certificate of Achievement in Administrative Assistance. Since I have at least a year before I can go to SDSU, I may choose to earn another C.o.A. in Business in addition. We'll see. 

Friends:
These are shifting. Old friends are not quite meshing with the person I am becoming and there has been conflict. New friends are entering. I find myself in increasing new situations and I'm not quite comfortable in them, but I suppose it's good to go out of your comfort zone socially. Gun range, Masquerade Balls (now with real Rich People), camping trips - that sort of thing. This equals less time for the people who are only interested in sitting around and/or complaining. They feel neglected, which to some degree - they are. 

Family:
My mom and sister are both unemployed and have been for an extended period. They are being evicted from their home because the landlord wants to redo the interior and rent it out for more money. They are going to move into the smaller unit next door and pay $175 more a month for it. I don't think this is wise, but no one is asking my opinion. I cannot fathom how they've chosen to handle their situation, but again, they are adults and haven't asked for my guidance. 

All of this serves to distract and exhaust me which is why no one sees me or hears from me. It sounds like a downer when I reread it, but actually, I'm enjoying myself despite the challenges.

It's like a rollercoaster where you feel you might be flung out into space to die a horrible death at any moment and then when you disbark, you're giddy with relief and you're own "bravery" at going through this self-induced trial.
Love,

Me
Superwoman Extraordinaire and Zombie Queen

Sunday, May 6, 2012

My Modern Fairy Tale

So, I was wasting time when I saw this: And the Prince Lived Happily Ever After.

I got to thinking - a dangerous past time, I know! Those prince and princess stories don't really provide anything  for the people who are single and okay with it. The royal dudes are all supposed to swoop in and rescue the completely helpless princess. OR fight the awful witch.

The above link is for men who don't participate in the stereotypical mating ritual and it's traditional outcome. Good for them and their rock concerts. But where was my Ode to Being Single? So, I gutted it and stole some commentary from this lady and then spent 2 hours making my version. It may not be your version and that's ok.


Now, of course, this is a Fairy Tale. So, I'm working on the fat part (and after reading that first part of this sentence, the self-esteem part). Give me time people. 




Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I'm drowning in dead cats, sheep brains and bacteria. Seriously.

School has been a soul-sucking morass; I don't really see anyone or talk to anyone. I either go from work to school (10am to 9:35pm on M & W) OR I go from school to work (8am to 7pm, T & Th) and then work again on Friday (10 to 3pm).

At this moment in time it's Bacterio-palooza in Microbiology; we have an Exam next Monday. One high point is that we stain the bacteria (cause otherwise it's clear) which is kinda liking painting with microbes and we also run a lot of different tests, which is kinda like being a mad scientist.  The current unit in Anatomy covers the wonders of the Nervous System so it's sheep brains and dead cats every session. Yum. Sometimes the formaldehyde actually burns your eyes and chokes you it's so concentrated. This also feels like being a mad scientist, but isn't as fun as Micro.

I go to tutoring sessions, study groups and flee my own house to try to cram fuck tons of facts and concepts into my burdened brain about Microbiology and Anatomy. And yet, the "A" result that I'm looking for has not been achieved. Today was especially burdensome. I got a "D" on my Quiz.

I really felt like crying in class. The teacher actually yelled at us for 30 minutes after he graded our quizzes because, as a whole, we did horribly. He said that we were the worst class in 8 years. So, that means I'm in good company surrounded by other failing retards. This fact does not help me feel better. Basically, I have been beating myself up all day.

And the only thing that cheers me up is:


It's not so much that I want to start shooting all the motherfuckers in the face today, as I really don't want to worry about my "D". The Walking Dead means never having to worry about college again. Or retirement. Or the future. It's very Zen, all about living in the moment. 

All said, I still have a "B" in the class overall so, this isn't really a post so much as whining. I apologize. But now you know where I've been and what I've been doing. 

The End.

Friday, February 24, 2012

I'm cheating on my Anatomy Lab Group with other, smarter lab groups.

I think we've just drifted apart, really. I mean, they are a nice, friendly group. But...our values aren't the same, and with that in mind, it just couldn't last between us. You see - I want to pass (with an A), and they don't seem to care if they pass (with an A or at all for that matter).

I chose to join the less-than-motivated, non-grade oriented group on the first day of lab. I didn't know! I didn't know. They didn't have any identifiers indicating their less than stellar scholastic qualities. No one did. So when the teacher was moving everyone around and asked if I'd mind changing seats, I said I didn't cause they looked friendly. Aren't dolts less intelligent people and slackers required BY LAW to wear those little silver bracelets (maybe that's diabetics) for social emergencies (like picking lab groups)? Apparently not. Should they be? I think so.

Yes. I'm that girl. I'm sure you've met me. The one completely obsessed with her grade and who is willing to fillet you alive if you get in the way or if I perceive that you're in the way.

Due to situation-al circumstances, I just can't leave. No really, the teacher said we're stuck together until the end of the semester. I'm going to contact him and see if I can be switched, but I don't think it's possible. What poor matyr exists in our class that would love to be put in the dumb, slacker group?

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. Why are they simple-minded? Why are they wastrels? Their sluggish intellect is confirmed by consistently, scarily low test scores. Their official confirmation as malingering sloth-children is proven by the following phrase, "Don't worry. We have plenty of time." I seriously have heard this about...a trabillion-zillion-cotillion times. I may start slapping them with formaldehyde soaked cat if I hear it again.

So I cheated. I'm not sorry. I make no excuses. I wandered over to the smart kid group on review day and studied with them. I went to their study group on the day before the test and my scores improved. Now we are dissecting a cat and the main problem is that I have to stay with them. (Thus the threatened assault with embalmed feline.) *Have you all noticed that I am really into parathesis today? Yeah. Well suck it! Our grades are irrevocably intertwined.

Now, I know I'm an anal-retentive maniac. I take everything (especially cheese - not involved with the lab, but I still take it super serious) very zealously. I know that I am a very intense person and intent in getting my way All. Of. The. Time. So. There. I wanna be good, but the Dark Side is calling and I've heard it has cookies. I've been trying not to spaz all over these chicks, but that time is coming to an end. I'm gearing up for a full frontal freak out and they better watch themselves.

But before that happens, as I mentioned earlier I am writing that email to flee from their malingering slack-assery. I don't think it will work. But at least, I can say I tried everything before I produce three more fresh cadavers for the BIO labs.

Finis

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Signs Point To Yes (but Outlook Not So Good)

I have a friend who sends me emails about the increasing speed with which some Grand Future Catastrophe will arrive. So, I know the END IS NIGH.

Meanwhile, just being alive I am injuring myself at an alarming rate. If this keeps up, I will be covered in I.V.'s and casts becoming nothing short of a forced buffet for the undead...provided they could gnaw through the casts. Those assholes would do it though, they're determined.

I went to the gun range the other day and hurt myself shooting a 9mm. No, I didn't shoot myself in the face! Jerks! This wasn't me duking it out with Ah-nold firing machine guns at each other while leaping burning buildings, either. I shot 60 rounds and loaded my own clips and fucked myself up so badly that I had to take off two days of work, get two chiropractic adjustments and four massage plus e-stim + two weeks recovery time (while still working) before I was back to normal functioning levels. A 9 mm is a nothing sort of gun; this horrifies me. Oh noes!

Now, I seem to have injured my foot. How? Completely unknown. It feels like the bones are dislocated or something and it sucks to walk or stand. Thank god I never have to do either of those as a person without a vehicle and who does massage for a living.

But wait! A light shines in the darkness. There is a Cyborg Cat galavanting about on Bionic Feet, so maybe I have a chance...after all they say that they're starting to work towards human prosthesis.

If I could replace my whole body before the Apocalypse, I think I'd be set. No more stupid injuries, the zombies probably wouldn't even register me as a human cause I'd be so full of metallic alloys. I'd just need a mechanic to keep me running in tip top condition.

Excellent. Plan acquired. The end.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

I don't react well to surprises.

This equals "not good" - possibly "bad", even. If Zombies were to suddenly arise, I'd be likely to implode. (This is the scale by which I measure the importance of all things, even if you hadn't realized it yet.) Because...well, it really chafes my cheese when things don't go like I expect, especially if I had something else planned. Like, "No we can't have the End of the World today; I have D&D scheduled."

A Real-Life example: I asked my sister to pick up seven Heirloom Tomatoes at the Farmer's Market today. $14. Newsflash: Tomatoes now made out of gold. WHAT THE HAIRY HELL! $14. That's $2 a tomato or as the vendor puts it, $4.99 a pound. In any case, I freaked out all over her just cause I wasn't expecting to pay that much. It took me...a half an hour to calm down, realize I had acted like a douche and apologize to her (via facebook, shhh).

It always amazes me how quickly and intensely angry I can get. Much like the Spanish Inquisition, I never expect it. And strangely, I am more likely to be pissed over some inconsequential thing, than something vital. Usually when some unpleasant, vital thing happens, I end up in shock. It's only later in the retelling that the irritability will surface.

I've tried a variety of things to lessen my negative over-reactions to unexpected, unwanted situations: meditation, eliminating sugar and caffeine, breathing exercises, hypnosis, court-mandated anger management classes. I guess, I have a way to go towards being a mature adult who can handle Catastrophes with Aplomb. (I like Capitalizing Things, deal with it.)

Now, let's multiply this little tomato incident with the unexpectedness of the Apocalypse. It's danger-danger time, people. But how to fix it? Just practice not sucking in social situations, I guess.

Oh well. That's all.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's been awhile, but don't blame me.

Blame my complete loss of sanity.

Multiple Choice
This last semester (which is approximately five months) I:
a)Gained 27 pounds
b)Broke my keyboard out of frustration
c)Broke my desk out of frustration
d)Got all A's in my college classes
e)Really, really started my own business, in it's own office space and ran a lucrative deal with Groupon which overwhelmed my tiny brain and made me unprecedently successful
f)All of the above

The correct answer is "F". Not for Failure, but for Fabulous, at least this time. Yes, despite the weight gain and destruction of property. Now, I do regret the demise of my keyboard, and the upcoming demise of my desk, but the desk still functions, for the most part. Don't judge me. I mean it. You won't like it when I realize that you're judging me.

2011 - A retrospective.

January The alpha-steroid boss didn't want to pay employee taxes and decided I needed to run my own business and pay him $500 a month for the massage closet. I ripped out my own spine and capitulated to his demands. He arbitrarily changed our payment agreement. I possibly gained an unuseful super power of Sporadic Uncontrollable Invisibility; people kept trying to run me down in the street. Started Spring Semester.

February Alpha-steroid co-worker (now no longer boss), changed "our" pay agreement again. I actively started wondering if I would have to sell my body to survive as steady money was at an all time low. I introduced massage package deals and my clientele slowly increased. Funny how that happened. An ex-friend spontaneously contacted me, I blew him off. It actually rained this month; since I live in California, this is notable.

March My clientele started to become steady. Alpha-steroid co-worker didn't really wanna pay me or share his clients. I started looking for another place to move my business. It all settled down. I stayed wallowing in my unhappy rutt-shaped work situation. Hm. A retrospective occured on the Fishies I loved and lost. NO! Not like that, you perv! All the stress made me tired.

April This entire month was devoured by dinosaurs. Who knows what happened? I probably did homework and played a lot of Facebook games. After checking my sources (aka Facebook status updates), highlights included: A BFF who abandoned me after a supremely scary movie driving me to sleep with the lights on AND a visit to my L.Alien friends. Oh yeah. I volunteered with children to teach them about nutrition and shit. I was tired.

May I started lasering my face off. Fun times! I obtained a personal trainer in exchange for massages. This didn't last. I got a new iPod and acquired CODE: Molerat! I ended the month with a case of the Death Flu, a Panic Attack and a Steampunk Ball. Nice! I was overwhelmed and tired.

June Dreamed about the Man of My Dreams. Met a useless Marine (not the Man of My Dreams) who I boned twice and never talked to again. I suffered an assault by my mom's pee terrorist of a dog, Horace. Praise be to Bertha, I actually practiced a High Holiday for the first time all year. I began a spree of downing lots of Diet Coke to combat my growing tiredness.

July This was the month where I consumed more meat than my body had room for, with extra brisket on the side. Yum! Brisket! For months now, there was actually a over-arching theme of tiredness, but I really started getting tired of everything this month. My BFF and I had a sleepover and I thought about suing my neighbors. These aren't really connected. I just hated the neighbors extra this month due to their new family addition of a vicious attack chihuahua that they made no effort to control. It barked and barked. Broke my iPod and got it fixed. Went to Comic Con, lost my cheese and discovered Axe Cop.

August Official month of scary hell! Examined my divorce in detail and eventually gained some internal peace. Alpha Steroid co-worker royally fucked me over and I decided to move. I cleaned a friends house for four hours, after which, the house was ready to be officially cleaned. Filthy nasty. Got text yelled at by personal trainer and never went back. I stumbled upon an awesome discovery, a Flashdrive Vibrator. Not kidding here. I also asked a friend of mine to mentor me in business. The Fall Semester of College began with Chemistry and three online business courses. In the next five months, I lost my everlovin' mind. I wandered about in an exhausted, spiky haze shoving chihuahuas inside of babies and punching them.

September Big Deal Month. Venturing forth like a rodent from it's burrow, I moved offices after much remodeling and anxiety. Then, I presented my former Alpha Steroid coworker with a $1300 bill for services rendered. Insert smug satisfaction. He paid me part of the money he owed, and then needed a little lawsuit threatening to begin paying me all the rest of the money he owed. Jerkface. Groupon spontaneously decided to run a deal with me after ignoring me for 8 months. This resulted in buku bucks for me and increased the likelihood of an upcoming mental breakdown. Yay! Never Say No to Panda, bitches! I turned old  aged like fine wine this month. I also discovered BCDC right down the street from me; can you say Bacon Waffles? Hell yeah! Also, When god gives you lemons, FIND A NEW GOD! Godberry: King of the Juice. Meanwhile, due to a fuck up, a good chunk of Southern California had a power outage and it started to get a little Lord of the Flies. Told you, this was a Big Deal Month. I chronicled none of this for your amusement; I blame our upcoming Alien Overlords.

October This was the beginning of my foray into Child Slavery. I redefined my values, especially regarding Nuclear Wolves. I lost 6000 ksph, and my mind, once again. From this point on, I couldn't type one word to alert you guys what was occuring in the whirl of my existence for the REST OF THE YEAR. Insert massive sugar intake and start an overwhelming anxiety spiral. Still tired.

November  Homework made me sad. School made me anxious. Food became my Over-riding Overf├╝hrer. I started downing multiple bags of Pop Rocks with Diet Coke regularly, but my head didn't explode once. I ate more food than was sane or healthy. I became obsessed with Zombies and Ascension. I reached new levels of self-doubt and frailty. Throughout this year, I was obsessed with stock piling for an upcoming disaster of unparelled proportion, but around this time period, I started urging family and neighbors (the ones I like, not the other ones that I would throw towards oncoming zombie hoardes), to join me in planning our survival plans. This didn't happen. I guess I should have planned to plan our plans. No?

December Mental and physical health deteriorated. School and work ratcheted me into a Spiral of Madness. I got sick and couldn't remember important things and started floundering in school. Then the semester finally ended with A's in every subject. Amazing the relief I felt. I was informed that I had the beginnings of Periodontal Disease and had to get my teeth planed and lasered. The last part is okay, because at least, then they matched my face. I threw an Extraordinary Party, in fact, I would say that my 17th Annual Winter Solstice Shindig leveled up this year. A friend visited from Texas and we had a pretty good time and I managed not to murder him. Another friend visited from Italy; this was much more snuggly and happy. After they left, more relief ensued. I attended my family's annual Christmas celebration for my brother and the Annual Gamer Christmas at another friends house and survived. Again amazing amounts of relief to be had. I spent New Year's Eve with my BFF, her family and my roomates. Lovely.

And now, 2012.

I'll tell you more about that later. But the whole point of this lengthy recitation? None. Other than to remind myself of all I have endured and all that I still have to endure. I accomplished eight of about forty or so goals. I did a bunch of stuff that wasn't on my goal list. I don't know if it evens out or if Life can even be "evened out". I survived and that's what counts I guess.

I'm on the edge and have never been happier. My eyes are a bit bulgier and I sometimes overreact like a rabid badger, but overall I am super happy. So yeah.

'Nuf said.