Just the Facts

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I'm a Chronologically-challenged Optimistic Procrastinator with some extra chunk, indescribable hair and blue-greener eyes re-entering into the interesting worlds of College and Caffeine and Self-induced mania. I day dream about Zombies cause sometimes an Apocalypse is less scary than Real Life. I'm a hustler baby and I'm making it all up and I alternately kiss ass and rub it to make my living. BUT Life is still good cause my mom thinks I'm special and people like me; they really like me!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's been awhile, but don't blame me.

Blame my complete loss of sanity.

Multiple Choice
This last semester (which is approximately five months) I:
a)Gained 27 pounds
b)Broke my keyboard out of frustration
c)Broke my desk out of frustration
d)Got all A's in my college classes
e)Really, really started my own business, in it's own office space and ran a lucrative deal with Groupon which overwhelmed my tiny brain and made me unprecedently successful
f)All of the above

The correct answer is "F". Not for Failure, but for Fabulous, at least this time. Yes, despite the weight gain and destruction of property. Now, I do regret the demise of my keyboard, and the upcoming demise of my desk, but the desk still functions, for the most part. Don't judge me. I mean it. You won't like it when I realize that you're judging me.

2011 - A retrospective.

January The alpha-steroid boss didn't want to pay employee taxes and decided I needed to run my own business and pay him $500 a month for the massage closet. I ripped out my own spine and capitulated to his demands. He arbitrarily changed our payment agreement. I possibly gained an unuseful super power of Sporadic Uncontrollable Invisibility; people kept trying to run me down in the street. Started Spring Semester.

February Alpha-steroid co-worker (now no longer boss), changed "our" pay agreement again. I actively started wondering if I would have to sell my body to survive as steady money was at an all time low. I introduced massage package deals and my clientele slowly increased. Funny how that happened. An ex-friend spontaneously contacted me, I blew him off. It actually rained this month; since I live in California, this is notable.

March My clientele started to become steady. Alpha-steroid co-worker didn't really wanna pay me or share his clients. I started looking for another place to move my business. It all settled down. I stayed wallowing in my unhappy rutt-shaped work situation. Hm. A retrospective occured on the Fishies I loved and lost. NO! Not like that, you perv! All the stress made me tired.

April This entire month was devoured by dinosaurs. Who knows what happened? I probably did homework and played a lot of Facebook games. After checking my sources (aka Facebook status updates), highlights included: A BFF who abandoned me after a supremely scary movie driving me to sleep with the lights on AND a visit to my L.Alien friends. Oh yeah. I volunteered with children to teach them about nutrition and shit. I was tired.

May I started lasering my face off. Fun times! I obtained a personal trainer in exchange for massages. This didn't last. I got a new iPod and acquired CODE: Molerat! I ended the month with a case of the Death Flu, a Panic Attack and a Steampunk Ball. Nice! I was overwhelmed and tired.

June Dreamed about the Man of My Dreams. Met a useless Marine (not the Man of My Dreams) who I boned twice and never talked to again. I suffered an assault by my mom's pee terrorist of a dog, Horace. Praise be to Bertha, I actually practiced a High Holiday for the first time all year. I began a spree of downing lots of Diet Coke to combat my growing tiredness.

July This was the month where I consumed more meat than my body had room for, with extra brisket on the side. Yum! Brisket! For months now, there was actually a over-arching theme of tiredness, but I really started getting tired of everything this month. My BFF and I had a sleepover and I thought about suing my neighbors. These aren't really connected. I just hated the neighbors extra this month due to their new family addition of a vicious attack chihuahua that they made no effort to control. It barked and barked. Broke my iPod and got it fixed. Went to Comic Con, lost my cheese and discovered Axe Cop.

August Official month of scary hell! Examined my divorce in detail and eventually gained some internal peace. Alpha Steroid co-worker royally fucked me over and I decided to move. I cleaned a friends house for four hours, after which, the house was ready to be officially cleaned. Filthy nasty. Got text yelled at by personal trainer and never went back. I stumbled upon an awesome discovery, a Flashdrive Vibrator. Not kidding here. I also asked a friend of mine to mentor me in business. The Fall Semester of College began with Chemistry and three online business courses. In the next five months, I lost my everlovin' mind. I wandered about in an exhausted, spiky haze shoving chihuahuas inside of babies and punching them.

September Big Deal Month. Venturing forth like a rodent from it's burrow, I moved offices after much remodeling and anxiety. Then, I presented my former Alpha Steroid coworker with a $1300 bill for services rendered. Insert smug satisfaction. He paid me part of the money he owed, and then needed a little lawsuit threatening to begin paying me all the rest of the money he owed. Jerkface. Groupon spontaneously decided to run a deal with me after ignoring me for 8 months. This resulted in buku bucks for me and increased the likelihood of an upcoming mental breakdown. Yay! Never Say No to Panda, bitches! I turned old  aged like fine wine this month. I also discovered BCDC right down the street from me; can you say Bacon Waffles? Hell yeah! Also, When god gives you lemons, FIND A NEW GOD! Godberry: King of the Juice. Meanwhile, due to a fuck up, a good chunk of Southern California had a power outage and it started to get a little Lord of the Flies. Told you, this was a Big Deal Month. I chronicled none of this for your amusement; I blame our upcoming Alien Overlords.

October This was the beginning of my foray into Child Slavery. I redefined my values, especially regarding Nuclear Wolves. I lost 6000 ksph, and my mind, once again. From this point on, I couldn't type one word to alert you guys what was occuring in the whirl of my existence for the REST OF THE YEAR. Insert massive sugar intake and start an overwhelming anxiety spiral. Still tired.

November  Homework made me sad. School made me anxious. Food became my Over-riding Overf├╝hrer. I started downing multiple bags of Pop Rocks with Diet Coke regularly, but my head didn't explode once. I ate more food than was sane or healthy. I became obsessed with Zombies and Ascension. I reached new levels of self-doubt and frailty. Throughout this year, I was obsessed with stock piling for an upcoming disaster of unparelled proportion, but around this time period, I started urging family and neighbors (the ones I like, not the other ones that I would throw towards oncoming zombie hoardes), to join me in planning our survival plans. This didn't happen. I guess I should have planned to plan our plans. No?

December Mental and physical health deteriorated. School and work ratcheted me into a Spiral of Madness. I got sick and couldn't remember important things and started floundering in school. Then the semester finally ended with A's in every subject. Amazing the relief I felt. I was informed that I had the beginnings of Periodontal Disease and had to get my teeth planed and lasered. The last part is okay, because at least, then they matched my face. I threw an Extraordinary Party, in fact, I would say that my 17th Annual Winter Solstice Shindig leveled up this year. A friend visited from Texas and we had a pretty good time and I managed not to murder him. Another friend visited from Italy; this was much more snuggly and happy. After they left, more relief ensued. I attended my family's annual Christmas celebration for my brother and the Annual Gamer Christmas at another friends house and survived. Again amazing amounts of relief to be had. I spent New Year's Eve with my BFF, her family and my roomates. Lovely.

And now, 2012.

I'll tell you more about that later. But the whole point of this lengthy recitation? None. Other than to remind myself of all I have endured and all that I still have to endure. I accomplished eight of about forty or so goals. I did a bunch of stuff that wasn't on my goal list. I don't know if it evens out or if Life can even be "evened out". I survived and that's what counts I guess.

I'm on the edge and have never been happier. My eyes are a bit bulgier and I sometimes overreact like a rabid badger, but overall I am super happy. So yeah.

'Nuf said.

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