Unhealed Wounds.

It amazes me that after seven years, I still have unhealed wounds from my divorce. Moreover, I keep picking at them. I just starting looking for my exhusband online. And found his journal and a pic. 

Kinda looks a bit Chester, chester....you know the rest. Yes? No?

Now. I know better than to read the journal of someone who hates me. I know better. So I read it.

From a meme from Feb. 2004: 

5. Your spouse has become nervous wreck since he/she began day trading on the Internet. But he/she made $10K in a month. Do you make him/her stop? 

*snort*. Like my (ex)spouse could actually make any gainful money on her own. 

16. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you? 

Yep. And there's a certain person in mind, as well.

From a previous entry from Feb. 2004:

The bitch-ex-wife: Goes to court on Monday. Lawyer has all the paperwork. Hopefully, the Lawyer will fuck her world up and make her sorry she ever tried to be a greedy little twit.

There's more. It's pointless to write it all down. Our relationship took a nasty turn in July after I found out he had lied about the purchase of a vehicle. Then he asked for a divorce. Then everyone found out that...I'm greedy. He wasted a lot of time on me, energy and money (REALLY? WHEN?) and the marriage was a failure. Blah, blah, blah. His journal for many months concentrates on all the injustices done to him and how all the people (except for me) who helped him through these injustices and tribulations were awesome. 

He thanks his therapist and states that getting therapy helped him handle his life better. Forgetting to mention that I had demanded he see a shrink because I doubted the marriage could recover if he was left to his own devices to work toward improvement. Prior to therapy, he was an undiagnosed, unmedicated chronic depressive who had already tried to take his own life once (not while we were married). 

I enumerated the ways that it was possible for me to fuck him over (this from anecdotal evidence involving other Marines), and then stressed how I hadn't done any of it and all that did was confirm in his suspicious weasel mind that I had always been out to get him. I hadn't. I could still perform some heinous financial fuckery if I cared to right now...I won't and I never did/will. 

And last, but not least, he always underestimated me/looked down on me. He really thought I was a shiftless idiot basically. That kinda stings from the person who supposedly loves you and is supposed to be on your side. Several of these sort of entries proved to me that HE was the perpetrator of injustice and his accusations were like slaps.

Yet you know what, he's partially right. I did do some injustices to him. I wanted to hurt him so I asked for stuff in the divorce. I didn't want it; I wanted him to hurt as much as he'd hurt me. And I succeeded. I was miserable and I wanted to share. And I succeeded. 

It's really weird too because as I investigate earlier entries prior to the schism, you don't see mention of me at all. I didn't really seem to exist and if you were reading his journal, you wouldn't know he was even married. He mentions a woman name Maureen a lot. This also kinda stings, cause you know, basically I'm his wife and if I was outta sight...I was outta mind, apparently. 

Then, it shifts and I read even earlier entries about how exhausting his therapy sessions were and I feel that I may have wronged him by suggesting that he wasn't trying as hard as I was since he only went to therapy once a month and I was going every week. I'm also tossing around the idea of how difficult I KNOW military life to be and how I may not have given him credit for trying to deal with that while being chronically depressed on meds and with the possibility of an impending divorce. I also see that I didn't keep in contact as much as I could've. 

Strangely, I started this post with a lump in my throat, feeling attacked and defensive. I feel lightened now. Yes, he's still a Big Bag of Douche and no, I don't ever want to see him again BUT now I remember why I married him (just a little bit) and loved him (still do a bit).

I also remember the nastiness I had stored up being so unhappy with a person who couldn't meet my needs and whose needs I was incapable of meeting. I remember my unyeildingness. I remember when I stopped trying to make it work. Once I stopped the marriage was pretty much over because I think he was literally incapable of the emotions needed to maintain a marriage. I don't mean this as a stab at him - just the truth as I see it.

He's a person, not a monster. I'm a person, not a monster. We made mistakes and it ended badly. 

I guess, with this rambly note, I just wanted to say, I'm not that angry girl anymore. And possibly he wasn't as bad as I remember? Or maybe he was, but I was just as bad? Meh. Regardless, I want to move past any similar mistakes in my future relationships, providing that there ever are any...