Just the Facts

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I'm a Chronologically-challenged Optimistic Procrastinator with some extra chunk, indescribable hair and blue-greener eyes re-entering into the interesting worlds of College and Caffeine and Self-induced mania. I day dream about Zombies cause sometimes an Apocalypse is less scary than Real Life. I'm a hustler baby and I'm making it all up and I alternately kiss ass and rub it to make my living. BUT Life is still good cause my mom thinks I'm special and people like me; they really like me!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Anxiety and my ex-husband.

I woke up super late today and anxious. I had stayed up really late last night at a friend's house. It was dinner and a movie night. Met some cool new people. Had a good time. I finally lay my head down to rest at 4am. I didn't even get up til 11:41am this morning and I felt awkward.

For whatever reason I awoke from dreams of my ex-husband this morning. There was actually a period after the divorce where I had forgotten that I'd been married, so when I say that I don't think about that guy often, I mean it. I wish him well, mostly out of karmic self-defense, even though he hates me but also because in retrospect, he taught me a LOT of lessons.

In the dream, I had rented an airplane. I had flown somewhere and had a whole dream sequence that is now forgotten. But I was repacking the plane and we were getting ready for take-off when he clambers inside. And I LET him. Now, here's the thing, I don't wish him wrong, but he's not a pleasant person to hang out with when you are...ME. So, I don't know why I let him in the plane.

We flew home and it was like he'd had a reboot. He was friendly, charming even. He found out about my life and somehow it impressed him, unlike the life I'd been living when I was the woman I'd been being when we'd been together.

I remember bemoaning the state of the planes carpets as a lost cause. Then our plane landed and poltergeists wrecked this room that somehow spontaneously appeared inside the plane. There were these French doors (now complete with broken glass), two refrigerators and a bed in the room and that was naturally a perfect arrangement. I was frantic to clean up the mess in order to get back my apparently substantial deposit.

So here I am frantically cleaning and he's talking to me. I'm sweeping up all this debris and glass and he's not helping, but his chatter helps keep me focused and calm. He starts making comments that lead me to think he might want to get back together. Once he puts on the pair of high heels that my friend David has left behind, I know he's also trying to get sexy with me. By the way, this is a dream, so there doesn't have to be a reason that I thought a man wombling about in high heels is SEX-ay. It just was. And then I was naked on the bed.

And then my friends who have avoided the area of the disaster start showing up and all I can do is ineffectively curl up on my back to try to prevent them from seeing all my Business. They're laughing because they see my pathetic attempts to hide my nakedness and him in the high heels and they know what's going on. One the more persistent "friends" was a guy I used to fuck around with, but there was a misunderstanding re: some journal entry that upset his girlfriend. He stopped speaking with me then and has never contacted me again.

So to sum up: I was picking up the pieces with my ex. When I'm most vulnerable this other guy showed up, and all effects to protect myself were ineffective. Maybe my mind is trying to tell me that it's time to resolve some stuff that I had given up as a lost cause. Or maybe my psyche was telling me to avoid drinking Sugarfree NOS and eating chicken meatballs (no matter how delicious) before sleep. Only time will tell. That's all for now.

Friday, January 14, 2011

If you unexpectedly won a $10,000, how would you spend it?

Lately, I have been freaking out a bit financially. As you might have read in earlier posts, I am embarking towards Big Girl Massage Therapy and that means I'm starting my own business. It's proving frightening. I'm not liking it. I might not succeed. But I'm doing it anyway.

I sit and think about how to get money a lot. Many people do, I guess. My favorite scenario is the one where my guardian angel kinda wakes up from her nap and sees me fretting and with a uninterested flick of her hand, I've won the lotto. The she goes back to sleep. This is MY guardian angel, so, you know, she's got mono.

Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money. But then again, it isn't. I can't even pay back all the money I owe with that; I'd come close, but that only counts with hand grenades and horse shoes as they say. It would take a crap ton of worry off my shoulders though. Gosh. To not owe any money is like Shangri-moola.

But then, would I actually do that? I mean, would I really do the responsible thing and pay everything back with the dinero or would I do something else...like I normally do. I'm vaguely self-sustaining, semi-responsible adult, but I'm also super duper impulsive and I like shiny things. I need new clothes.I want to take a trip. What about savings? What about the IRS those guys will want some of that metaphorical $10,000. They always do. I also want to try some of that fancy smancy hair goo and get a pedicure. I need a massage desperately. Then family, won't they want some?

SO MANY OPTIONS. I am now paralyzed. What I'll have to do to avoid paralyzation (The little word checker thingie is saying I spelled that wrong, but dictionary.com says I spelled it right. So SCREW YOU word checker thingie!) is to just take the first action immediately, i.e. paying all I owe right away, and then just allow my low self-esteem to kick in and berate myself later for lost opportunities.

NO WAIT! I won't do any of that! What I'll do instead is enroll in a super duper hard core training school where they show you how to survive in the wilderness, shoot firearms, perform martial arts and swing axes around with slaughter-y glee! After all, 2012 is coming soon and then the Apocalypse will start and there won't be anyone coming around from my credit card companies or the IRS after that! Screw paying bills, they won't even exist after the Undead rise, but I will cause I'll be a badass! Extra exclamation points cause I feel like it! !!!!!!! Hell yeah. This is what I mean by the End of the World being kinda easier than real life sometimes. That's all for now.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Showers are decadent

It's cold here. I can see that smirk forming. I live in Southern California and I think it's cold. Pwoor Baby! Just shut your cakeholes, you nay sayers. We can't afford heat and though California is definitely not the Antarctic Circle, lately it's been fucking frigid okay. When my lumberjack roommate with plenty of padding says it's cold - the temperature has hit new lows. Now I apparently am part lizard, always looking for my warm flat rock, and I hate the least bit of chill in my environment. What does this have to do with showering?

I just took the most awesome shower, EVAR. Every part of me has thawed and then warmed. I feel content and certain about the benevolence of creation right now. I can hear that little jingle about not being "a waterhog" because my State has been in a drought for years and I just don't care. I know that heating the water for the shower costs money too. Don't give a flying fudge-packer! Water beating down, running through my hair, relaxing all my muscles = Nirvana.

This doesn't look good for my future though. I'm such a pussy that if my feet get cold I have trouble sleeping. If the End comes and the dead start walking I am gonna be at such a disadvantage when the power goes out and I have to head north cause that's where the dead will be thinner (IMHO.) How will I be able to stomach wandering around an Urban to Rural wilderness in freezing temperatures? No idea. So I better glory in my Decadent American Deluge of heated water. Who knows how long it'll last. That's all for now.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I am fucking tired.

I've been working on a lot lately. I finally made the plunge into Big Girl Massage Therapy. My state license finally fucking arrived after an eight month saga and a tersely worded letter to the Attorney General on my part. I have insurance. I've spent about five Hundred dollars to turn what I call the "Massage Closet" into a nice cozy little room. Then the bottom dropped out and all the insurance patients ran out of insurance until the New Year and Dr. Lame my alpha steroid boss announced that since I was such a good therapist I could charge whatever I wanted and keep all the money and pay him $500 a month rent for that hole. I accepted of course. I mentioned in an earlier entry that I have no spine when it comes to that man.

ANYWAY, I took the plunge created a website, got a domain name and created a facebook page and I'm winging it with my nipples to the wind. Scares the crap out of me.

In other Big Girl News, I've decided to go back to college to finish my Associates in Science that I've been trying to finish for the last 15 years. Yeah. That's right. 15. Years. Not Finished Yet. That's me. I also decided to get a Certificate in Administrative Assistance, because that might be more likely to get me hired somewhere.

I also am starting the Flat Belly Diet again. I'm cutting out sugar, caffiene, fake sugar and Frankenfoods in general. And I'm going to the gym five times a week. I made a goal to write SOMETHING everyday and this entry counts. So I've got a crap ton on my plate right now. And what does it mean?

This means I'm tired. But right now, despite my tiredness, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. That's all I have to say.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

This is harder than it looks.

I could do the literary version of drooling at you and just fill this thing with crap. I could compose literary vomitus via my shopping lists, to do lists and other minutiae. I would have to rename the blog: Things I've accomplished, Stuff I want to accomplish and Reasons why I didn't accomplish said Stuff. It's not as catchy, I feel, and certainly more boring.

But it's kinda hard to come up with riveting subjects and then attach even more riveting words to them. Harder than I thought it would be. This may be why I never live up to my goal to write every day, and we are not even going to look at the failure my three unfinished books are racking up. At this point, I've got enough points at not following through with written projects that I could like, redeem it, for a Maserati or something at the Prize Counter for Universal Procrastinators. (This is similar to the Prize Counter at Chucky Cheese's, but no one ever goes there cause they procrastinate about it, see? That's why they have all those Maseratis lying about the place.)

Anyway, the worst thing about it? I come up with AMAZING ideas all the time about things I want to share with the world to help spread enlightenment everywhere, but it's never near a computer and then when I am near a computer all the good ideas have fled my brain like those dudes in "The Great Escape." Never seen it, but I hear it's about an escape. Moving along.

And sometimes when actually do remember it and I am actually near a computer when I try to type it out to you guys (and by you guys, I, of course, mean Jenna, cause nobody reads this thing) it comes out all flumpy (which is a word I just made up). Like the whole entry about the acquiring of my Sporadic, Uncontrollable Invisibility Power. Should have been WAY funnier, cause right after I had almost been run over the first time, I was composing how I'd tell the story in my head and started laughing like a block away. But when I typed it out - not close to funny.

The point? I don't think I really had one. Maybe self-defense? For the future, when someone other than Jenna might conceive of reading this thing, I can fall back on "This is harder than it looks," and feel all defended. Also, I will make myself feel better by telling myself that at least the Ambulatory Deceased haven't devoured my brain meats yet, so I can make better blogs in the future, you know, to atone. That's it for now.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Perhaps I have gained a new super power in 2011

I may have gained the power to turn invisible. But like, only sporadically, and not within my own control. Three people tried to run me down while I traversed the road today within a 10 minute period. Each time, I was in a crosswalk when I had the little green man. I wasn't jaywalking, I was...legally walking across the street. Three times. Tried to run me down. This has happened before, but not in such quantities.

The first time, I was sharing the crosswalk with a rather musclebound gent who smirked when I asked the approaching female driver, "What the fuck do you think you're doing, asshole?" Perhaps he found it somewhat ironic because despite asking the question, I didn't really expect an answer. The other couple of times, I just mad dogged the excrable motorists and stomped my way across the street in ill humor. So I've decided it's got to be Uncontrollable, Sporadic Invisibility, otherwise, my belief in my fellow man is going to plummet.

In other news, I am having a freak out about work. This is due to an extreme lack of confidence in myself to survive as a adult and an extreme lack of spine in dealing with my alpha steroid boss. I hate myself when I interact with this guy. I have a point of view. I want to convey it with feminine strength and conviction. I end up relaying only part of my message and in the form of a question. I want to assert my rights and request my fair share. I end up in a ball of self-loathing blithely accepting a shitty deal. Meh.

So, since I'm freaking out, a gratitude list:
1)Lost 3 lbs.
2)Friends and Family
3)I got amazing cool presents this past holiday.
4)I am sticking to my diet plan.
5)I wrote this post which means I did what I said I would so good for me.
6)I'm alive.
7)I'm a hustler and I'll figure a way out of this.
8)I did the dishes.
9)My fish is alive.
10)My bank balance is positive if rather small.
*11)I may have Uncontrollable, Sporadic Invisibility. Possibly useful in the upcoming devastation.

See, the intrepid, young heroine needs to learn to keep a stalwart positivity about her at all times. During a Zombie Apocalypse, there's going to be a lot of bad crap going down. People would give their left testicle (even if they were a girl) just to have my top ten, I mean eleven list during a Z.A. This is cause instead of my whiny list, there would be dead people everywhere (maybe people they know), and it might be cold cause the power could go out and they might be hungry and thirsty cause they either couldn't find food or couldn't get to it.
And the only way to keep on keeping on is to turn that frown upside down before you kill yourself or others or let the ravening hordes eat your face off out of despair. That's all I have to say.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

A New Year, A New You!

So, the New Year has arrived. I spent it with J Crew and Fam. I slouched about in my pj's with them and played board games. Very relaxing. Then I came home, started my period and have been hiding in my room since then.

There is a tide arising, and I'm not talking about my crimson one. The anxiousness is cresting. Last year's goals were not met. In fact, on some of them, I didn't even tread water, but instead, sank like a steel beam. I am looking at my life, finding it lacking (this part isn't new) and deciding that why I sucked last year was a lack of planning (also not new) and making a newer, better plan (still not new). But I have come to the realization that the realize why all that planning and goal making didn't work very well last year was because my "plan" was too damn amorphous. Too scattered like a brain full of buckshot.

So, I am breaking my BIG PLANS down into littler pieces and then actually scheduling times to take on these pieces. I wrote the High Holidays into my planner so time doesn't whiz by and then I go...wait, did I just miss...damnit! I'm scheduling birthdays, cause your Nearest and Dearest should be lodged in your brain meats and when said meats are rotting a planner comes in handy. I'm writing in the gym. I am cataloging the classes I hope to take and the schedule for massage that I hope to have. And I'm making a to call list to get back in contact with the people I hope to network with who will help me meet my goals for 2011.

All this planning fills me with hope and motivation, piss and vinegar, a blinding headache and nausea...no wait, let's just stop at the acidic liquids, shall we? One of my goals was to write something daily. Anything at all. So here's my weak attempt at said goal. Wish me luck people - that's all I have to say.