Anxiety and my ex-husband.

I woke up super late today and anxious. I had stayed up really late last night at a friend's house. It was dinner and a movie night. Met some cool new people. Had a good time. I finally lay my head down to rest at 4am. I didn't even get up til 11:41am this morning and I felt awkward.

For whatever reason I awoke from dreams of my ex-husband this morning. There was actually a period after the divorce where I had forgotten that I'd been married, so when I say that I don't think about that guy often, I mean it. I wish him well, mostly out of karmic self-defense, even though he hates me but also because in retrospect, he taught me a LOT of lessons.

In the dream, I had rented an airplane. I had flown somewhere and had a whole dream sequence that is now forgotten. But I was repacking the plane and we were getting ready for take-off when he clambers inside. And I LET him. Now, here's the thing, I don't wish him wrong, but he's not a pleasant person to hang out with when you are...ME. So, I don't know why I let him in the plane.

We flew home and it was like he'd had a reboot. He was friendly, charming even. He found out about my life and somehow it impressed him, unlike the life I'd been living when I was the woman I'd been being when we'd been together.

I remember bemoaning the state of the planes carpets as a lost cause. Then our plane landed and poltergeists wrecked this room that somehow spontaneously appeared inside the plane. There were these French doors (now complete with broken glass), two refrigerators and a bed in the room and that was naturally a perfect arrangement. I was frantic to clean up the mess in order to get back my apparently substantial deposit.

So here I am frantically cleaning and he's talking to me. I'm sweeping up all this debris and glass and he's not helping, but his chatter helps keep me focused and calm. He starts making comments that lead me to think he might want to get back together. Once he puts on the pair of high heels that my friend David has left behind, I know he's also trying to get sexy with me. By the way, this is a dream, so there doesn't have to be a reason that I thought a man wombling about in high heels is SEX-ay. It just was. And then I was naked on the bed.

And then my friends who have avoided the area of the disaster start showing up and all I can do is ineffectively curl up on my back to try to prevent them from seeing all my Business. They're laughing because they see my pathetic attempts to hide my nakedness and him in the high heels and they know what's going on. One the more persistent "friends" was a guy I used to fuck around with, but there was a misunderstanding re: some journal entry that upset his girlfriend. He stopped speaking with me then and has never contacted me again.

So to sum up: I was picking up the pieces with my ex. When I'm most vulnerable this other guy showed up, and all effects to protect myself were ineffective. Maybe my mind is trying to tell me that it's time to resolve some stuff that I had given up as a lost cause. Or maybe my psyche was telling me to avoid drinking Sugarfree NOS and eating chicken meatballs (no matter how delicious) before sleep. Only time will tell. That's all for now.